Six Days And Half The UK Team Is Gone, Maybe With Good Riddance...

I called M today to make sure we were on for S's wedding. He's my standard date for all this shit, as we watch our friends tie the know while me, the perpetual spinster, and him, the gay guy too afraid of being really gay, continue on with our lives without partners and no chance of getting them.

But then I guess I'd rather be single than be in S's situation.

In a way I'm proud of how I chose to get into the UK, by furthering my education rather than finding some lonely, old bloke to marry me in and give me everything I want...

For those of you who don't know the back story, it's blogged here, but a brief catch-up: S and I were the best of friends and decided about two years ago that we wanted out of Cleveland. We were bored, broke and miserable. I suggested leaving and told her the UK was on the list. She said "If you make it the UK, I'm in". So we started making plans. I thought we'd be doing this together.
But she met R playing bridge online and everything started to change. S and R developed an "online relationship". About six months in, he came here to visit her. She picked him up at the airport, drove back to her place, and once inside, he straight away asked her to marry him. She said "yes" because, as she told me, she thought "Why not?"
R's been here three times since. They go on nice vacations, not too expensive, but expensive enough. They've planned this wedding over the past year now. He's paid for most of the wedding, given her money to cover bills, even bought her a cute little convertible sports car he's going to teach her to drive once she gets there.
The man is a lorry driver, that's "truck driver" to most of you, so I don't know where all this money's coming from. Even she's questioned exactly how he's getting the funds to support all this. Regardless, she keeps taking it, and I'm sure it's hard to say "no" when the man's offering you everything you want. She tells me about how they're going to move into a bigger place so she can have her elderly mother move over there, I guess he's gonna pay to support mom, too?
I don't feel sorry for the guy, really. I think she's been fairly honest with him and he's just a sucker looking for somebody to love him and willing to offer her the world so she will. I remember a conversation her and I had not long ago when her back was out and she was unsure about her medical future:

S: "I talked to R and explained to him that I'm not a very caring person, like I could never be a nurse or anything like that, I just don't have that kind of personality that I'm capable of helping people."
Me: "I know, I'm the same way, couldn't do it."
S: "So I explained to him that if he wanted to break off the engagement I would totally understand. I mean, he barely knows me and if my back can't be fixed, I could end up in pain, even in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and he would have to take care of me constantly, and I would totally get it if he wanted to back out of the marriage".
Me: "What did he say?"
S: "Oh, of course he was like, "Oh, no, honey, if something happened to you I would be willing to take care of you, don't worry about a thing-"
Me: "Wow."
S: "Yeah. And so I had to tell him, I had to be honest, 'Well, just so you know, if something were to happen to you, I can't say that I would do the same for you. I'm not the kind of person that can just take care of people and I couldn't do that for you.' And he said, 'Well, then I hope I don't ever need you to.'"

She's 39, he's 52. The chances that she'll end up take care of him at some point are much higher than it being the other way around, especially considering the age he is now. And though I'm not a caring person myself, if I love a man enough to marry him, I am going to do everything I can to try and take care of him before I just give up and walk out. But she was honest with him, so if he's that much of a sucker, I can't say I feel sorry for him.
As we've gotten closer to the wedding date, I've drifted further out of her life. The whole thing is just shady to me, and the more I hear the more soured I get on my friendship with her, I don't want to be friends with someone who's a user, even if the person they use let's them. She's not making as much of a mistake as Roger is, she's going to get what she wants out of the relationship: someone to pay her way through a dream-princess life in Europe.

Maybe I'm jealous and just can't admit it.

But then there's the "bed" thing. I've been griping to her for over a year that I needed a new bed. The mattress I had was the same one I'd had since I was 19 years old. I'm 36 now, so it's more than time to go. I woke up in pain all the time, so around March, I pitched the bed and started sleeping on the floor. She had started getting rid of her stuff back in June and mentioned in that conversation that she was giving her bed to her friend, N.
I was livid. It wasn't that she "owed" it to me or had to give me the bed, but I thought damn, I've been sleeping on the floor since March and you didn't even bother to offer it to me first? If that was me in her shoes, the first person I'd thought of to give the bed to is the friend I have that has no bed and has been sleeping on the floor for months. That kind of showed me just how uncaring she really is, and how low on her totem pole I really am.

Maybe that's jealousy too, and I just can't admit it.

And then there's the whole cheating issue. R has been married three times before, and all of his wives cheated on him. That's why he wanted something about remaining faithful in the vows, he has issues with that. I get it. That means he's gonna have a real problem with S. Her first marriage was to a guy that was a total pushover, and she ended up cheating on him and flaunting it to him. The man was such a pushover, she walked all over him and tried to get him to grow a pair. Then she gave up and the relationship soon ended. She wants a man who's going to be a man, not a baby, and she's convinced herself that R is a "man's man", but he's willing to put up with her shit and give her everything she wants, which means she's gonna get tired of that soon enough and end up cheating on him.

So if/when I do make it to the UK, I wonder if we'll be friends. Part of me thinks I won't even bother to contact her, another part of me wonders if I will just because I won't have any other friends there. At this point, I'm almost happy to see her go just so I don't have to deal with her anymore, but again, maybe I'm just JEALOUS!!!

Ok, I am jealous. I'm extremely jealous. She hasn't had an easy life, but she hasn't had a very hard one, either. I on the other hand, have buried my whole family, lived in poverty more years that I have fingers to count them on, and yet here I am struggling and facing tens of thousands of dollars in loans to get myself overseas and she's getting a life on easy-street just handed to her.

But at the same time, at least I have an education to fall back on. We both took the assessment test to get into the UK just with what we have, I was short by 35 points, her, 65. She has no degree and no career that is in demand there, so she knew up front she had no other choice but to marry her way in, so I can't say I really blame her for what she's doing. She's marrying R because he's the idiot who offered and when he asked her to marry him, she didn't have any other choice but to say yes. She has no other options.

I could find someone to marry in if I really wanted to, I have a guy similar to R that sends me gifts at Christmas and we talk all the time. I know that if I suggested we start a more intimate relationship he'd go for it in a minute. But I already know I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with him, and I like him, I'm not going to convince myself to be in love with him just so I can take advantage of him and what he has to offer.
He says he can help me get a job once I'm there, that's good enough.

In the meantime, M and I will go to the wedding next week, have a good time, and other than to wish them luck, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Just let things end where they end and see what happens. I have a feeling it's not going to be the bed of roses she's expecting...or maybe it will be, no one knows.

I don't know how I'll feel once she's gone, and once I'm there, too. Despite our current differences, we see the world the same way, we enjoy the same kinds of things, we have almost the same values. For now I think I'll just leave the door open and ride this out until my own future gets settled....